Typically when someone in Ireland dies, the first thing a family does is to contact a local funeral director or undertaker. A funeral director’s job usually involves:
Collection of the deceased’s body;
Preparation of the deceased’s body;
Embalming the body;
Provision of a coffin and hearse;
Provision of transport for the family and guests;
The organization of, and payment for, the burial plot (if not already paid for);
Payment for the following disbursements: grave opening or cremation charges, church offerings, newspaper announcements (obituaries);
Organising flowers and sympathy cards as received.
In general, an invoice from a funeral director should be paid within 30 days. If the account goes into arrears, by Irish law the funds can be paid from the deceased’s estate. Funeral directors in Ireland are not under any legal obligation to display their prices, although members of the Irish Association of Funeral Directors (IAFD) are bound by their Code of Practice (see below) to do so.
The IAFD (www.iafd.ie) has almost 300 members across the island of Ireland, out of an estimated total of 600 operating funeral directors. The IAFD has a Code of Practice that its members must adhere to, which is in effect a Customer Care Charter. It includes a complaints procedure if a customer has an issue.
The IAFD’s Code of Practice requires a funeral director to agree to the following:
Serve their clients with competence and concern for the client’s best interests;
Discuss and agree their charges with the next-of-kin in advance, unless expressly asked not to do so;
Professionalism and quality of service in arranging and conducting the funeral;
Accurate advertising of prices and services;
Confidentiality.
The funeral industry in Ireland is one of the few worldwide where there are still no barriers to entry and no licensing or regulation. Yet these businesses are responsible for the burial or
started researching and consulting in the area of End of Life in March 2009, is a project of the Irish Hospice Foundation and its National Council and is chaired by Mrs. Justice Catherine McGuinness. The Forum is currently calling for government regulation of funeral and cremation services, including embalming, as they have reported that some funeral directors are issuing ambiguous invoices to families and particular providers are engaging in financial arrangements with hospital and hospice staff to ensure recommendation.
Between reports like this, media coverage and word-of-mouth, the industry has developed a reputation that is not altogether flattering. So, like every purchase you make, you should consider who your supplier is, their character, background, experience and previous testimonials before signing anything. See blog post 5 Things to Know Before You Visit a Funeral Director for more info!
Plan ahead of a funeral home visit: Know what you would like ahead of time because more than likely the undertaker can and will oblige. Not knowing what you want could incur massive costs to you and your family and/or you will walk away not getting what you wished.
Compare prices: Funeral prices can vary hugely, even in the same county, so don’t be afraid to ring up and ask for prices ahead of time. Unfortunately, most funeral homes do not display their prices on their websites so a bit of research is required here. Don't be afraid to call them up and ask for quotes.
Think local and small: Small, independent funeral homes often can provide you with a better quality and more personal service at a cheaper price, so don’t forget the little guy....
Read all about the extras that you may incur if you are not careful: Only purchase what you need and want and get a clear quote. Embalming, grave cover, and pallbearers are all extras that you may not need;
Inspect the products you are purchasing as much as is physically possible. Like any event (and a funeral is just that) you should compare and inspect what you are buying. If you were planning a wedding you would want to see examples of the flowers and cake wouldn't you?
So it finally happened, a dream come true, another bucket list item ticked off, a career milestone, a personal mountain conquered – I finally stood on a Ted stage and did a ‘Ted Talk’ and boy, did it not disappoint!
Anxious and stressed in the days leading up to it, I was frequently frustrated with people dismissing my worries with a typically Irish phrase for dealing with things “Sure you'll be grand, not a bother to ya” and an emphasis on my perceived confidence. I say perceived because apparently, I give off an impression that nothing fazes me and have an almost uber confident aura. Nothing could be further from the truth. Aside from the weeks of stressing that my speech wasn’t ever going to be good enough, my message not clear enough, 5 minutes wasn’t long enough, 5 minutes was too long, my attire too bright, my attire not bright enough, my topic too boring, my story not relevant or that ill probably fall on my ass while walking on stage, they were minor to the 24 hours leading up to the ‘talk’.
I was working from home, finalizing orders, new designs, writing and analyzing blogs, sending out press releases etc etc, all in a days work…, when I got a call asking me to come into Newstalk (Irish Radio Station) for a radio interview. ‘Brilliant’ I say and accept wholeheartedly, excited for the opportunity. I hang up and immediately think F@£K what did I do that for, that’s gonna raise the anxiety levels a few notches…NOT something I need the night before my talk. As I usually do, I think feck it, roll with it, go with the flow. Running out the door I decide I should use the bathroom really quick – nothing worse for your nerves than shaky legs! Stupidly forgetting my phone was in my back pocket, my lovely iPhone gets acquainted with the toilet bowl water and dies stone dead. JUST when I needed it most. No time to think, I run out the door to Newstalk, the interview goes well, I cry, Ivan(presenter) doesn’t and the show goes on – apparently, the Hard Shoulder should be called the Cold Shoulder (I love my fellow pet loving community!).
I arrive home to some seriously fabulous family news and I cry all over again, by now I am an emotional wreck! Sleep comes hard and fast that night thank god but I wake early next morning (D Day!) to messages from friends cancelling their spot in the Ted audience, which although understandable, sends me into another emotional downward spiral of feeling let down, not important enough, not good enough, all of which are untrue but still weighed me down. Then to add further woe, I slick on some facial moisturizer that I use every day and break out in huge red blotches all over my face. NOT a good look.
An antihistamine, a chat with mom and an old boss later and I'm standing in the dressing room doing final prep work for Ted. I slick on a bit of red lipstick, put on my grim reaper cloak and a quick blur later and I'm walking off stage to rapturous applause, a WOW from the compare and I'm buzzing with endorphins and YESSSSSS I did it vibe.
Like practically every bucket list item I have ticked off, part of the joy ride is the pre event tears, tantrums, and anxieties but after every single one – running a marathon, writing a published book, skydiving, moving countries the absolute buzz of having accomplished something I only dreamed possible and the wonderful feeling of having pushed myself to my (deemed) limits, I ALWAYS always feel so unbelieveably proud and can smile knowing that from this day forward, I did this and no one, not one person can ever take away the fact that I did it and as that old crooner would say, I certainly did it my way ;-)
ACTUAL footage of me talking Ted ;-)
Prepared transcript of speech->
My name is Jennifer and I am fascinated with funerals.
THROW OFF CLOAK
Not what you were expecting?
My nickname is the Glam Reaper, aptly named for my weird interest in the funeral business but unlike the idea of that grim reaper cloak I try to bring love and life to the death business.
Today I want to share with you a story that I have not typically shared when interviewed.
Rewind to 8 years ago. I had just come home from Cuba. Holiday of a lifetime.
To bad news.
She had had a stroke. Several actually.
Me and my family had a big decision to make.
A decision between life and death.
We brought her to the hospital clinging on for dear life.
She had a little bit of food stuck to her nose.
She was so innocent and vulnerable.
Once so full of life. She just lay there. limp.
me and mom hugged each other as we watched as the light leave her eyes. She never took her eyes from ours.
PAUSE
Now let me tell you that this lil lady was my best friend, she was my confidente, I could have told her anything and she would have wagged her tail, licked my wounds and encouraged me to go for a walk!! Yes folks I have been talking about my dog
Does your perception of the story change?
Do you have any less sympathy for me?
Some of you probably even said “Oh for god sake its just a dog!!’
And I get it. But FOR ME. At that time. she was my whole world.
We'd been through childhood, the terrible teenage years when you feel the whole world is against you right through to adulthood.
Zero judgement, unconditional love every single day.
In interviews I have always been careful not to compare the loss of a dog to the loss of a human for fear of judgement.
So I buried my grief. And I'm not alone.
I've recently talked to a number of people who also experienced grief judgement.
People who lost uncles that were like dads.
Cousins who were like brothers.
All felt uncomfortable in their grief for fear of judgement.
Grief is uncomfortable enough without the added weight of protecting ourselves from judgment. From friends. From family. From colleagues. From strangers.
Loss is LOSS
Who are we to judge ANYONE who is grieving.
We all grieve differently. A set of twins who lose their mother will grieve completely differently.
Grief is as unique as our heart beat, our DNA, our fingerprint.
Who are you to judge?
If I lose my mother and you lose your mother, will we grieve the same?
No way my moms the best and because I love my mom more than you!!
What??
I am not you, I don’t know what your grief is to you.
What it feels like every day.
To wake up with it in the morning. Fall asleep with it that night.
There should be no judgment, no men don’t cry, no time limit on it.
Its YOUR grief.
PAUSE
Do you like my necklace? You probably can't see it right now but
This beautiful necklace around my neck contains the ashes of that beloved dog Roxy.
I bet your judging me now! Crack pot!
I created this jewellery with that ‘lack of judgement’ in mind after my granny died.
She had given me a miraculous medal as most Irish grannies did to keep me whole and keep me pure ;-)
When she died I wore it as a way to remember her but of course I was young and trying to fit in.
Suddenly I was a ‘holy joe’ or the ‘virgin mary’.
So much so I took it off.
I specifically designed these pieces NOT to broadcast what they are, they don’t scream HEY I HAVE SOMEONES ASHES AROUND MY NECK!
Because grieving is personal and if I want to share I will and If I don’t I wont.
I don’t need your judgment.
There is no blue print for grief, I have yet to meet two people who have grieved the same.
So tonight, today, tomorrow, next week, lets go easy on each other, and lets simply STOP judging each other.
The NFDA took place in beautiful Boston this year. It was a busy busy convention for me, a lot of media interest in learning about Ireland. The reason behind the sudden interest was more than likely due to the fact that I presented a workshop at the convention titled “Ireland is green and growing” covering the various components that makeup a typical Irish funeral, some old Irish myths and stories and some new Irish technology news.
Considering my workshop took place at 8am the morning AFTER Halloween night, I was pretty impressed with the attendance. Videos of short interviews with a rural Irish funeral director, a Dublin city one, and a fascinating Irish funeral ‘goer’ all featured and together we helped each other to add a touch of Irishness to funeral planning in America. Small additions can make a big difference to the Irish American community.
The Irish groundbreaking technology innovation of ecoLation was discussed and a great deal of questions asked after the workshop was complete. Massive interest in this technology from Americans and the Asian markets.
But my workshop aside, the convention itself was different this year, no one could quite put their finger on why, it could have been the convention center itself – it seemed bigger, bolder and more roomier than usual. The floor was littered with memorial jewellery. It seemed everyone and their mother was offering a variety of memorials jewellery and a lot of it looked the same sadly, with quality lacking in the majority.
I met with the guys from Memorial Reef who create artificial reefs with the cremated remains of a loved one in areas most affected by the global climate crisis. The remains are placed inside a compact urn which is placed inside a special reef ball and secured. This ball is then anchored into the ocean and secured to the ocean floor where ocean life can begin to form. They have locations in Bermuda, Cancun, Baja, Golet, Fiji, Tonga, Papua New Guinea and the Cook Islands. Prices start at 6000 dollars.
I met Colonel Saunders of KFC fame at the AIM Holographics booth (it was fancy dress day at the show!) where he spoke to me about his 3D hologram video technology. I got excited as I thought it was the type of hologram that has in previous years brought Tupac and Michael Jackson to life on stage but for me, this seemed like a very expensive but great looking video experience.
The SecuriGene DNA presentation was very cool - they preserve the DNA of loved ones in their DNA bank. A great option for families wishing to preserve the genetic legacy of their family for future testing which could be important to identify hereditary diseases and who knows what developments the future will produce so holding onto this information is very important.
Other booths that caught my attention included the Icons in Ash booth, where a mosaic is made out of the ashes of the deceased. Approx 6 teaspoons of ashes are used to create the artworks. Another ‘dirty’ booth had an Irish theme – Handfuls of Home creators Aifric and Dominika brought Ireland to the NFDA quite literally! Attendees were able to feel and massage the green, green grasses of home - well maybe not the grass but the soil beneath that grass. They sell pots of Irish soil to the funeral industry. A great idea for the funeral director working with Irish communities.
Lastly, I came across a very impressive booth called Life Celebrations that was a mini mock-up of a very comfortable funeral home. It was warm and inviting with gorgeous images adorning the walls via projectors. There were beautiful corners of personalised memorabilia honoring the deceased. I was very impressed with this level of personalisation until I heard the join up fee of 18,500 dollars! That was before you bought a projector or a personalised bookmark! A bit of an exclusive club if you ask me, I didn’t see much give back from such a high subscription fee. Also while their show booth was impressive, their marketing collateral was poor and lacked visible descriptions.
In summary, once again the Irish did well and made themselves known, and memorialising or personalising seems to be key in the industry for 2018.
DO ensure that pets always have identification.
DON'T keep pets outdoors during Halloween and the weeks running up to it as people start letting off fireworks earlier than Halloween night.
DO talk to your vet if your pet gets very scared from fireworks as there is a variety of treatments and medications that can help.
DON'T dress animals up in costumes as many pets find this uncomfortable and stressful.
DON'T take pets trick-or-treating.
DON'T let animals near bonfires, candles or other dangerous items.
DO make sure that rabbits and other caged animals are safely secured in a garage or outbuilding.
DO keep pets away from Halloween decorations and tell children not to share any sweets and chocolate with their pets.
DO take a pet suspected of ingesting a harmful item or substance immediately to a vet.
DON'T ignore animals in need. Report animal abuse and neglect immediately.
The End of Life Forum 2017 was held in Dublin Castle yesterday October 10th and was a brilliant day, filled with like-minded professionals, Irish government officials, experts and the ever important 'Joe Publics'. All End of Life aspects where discussed, questions asked (not all answered!) and touching stories shared.
DID YOU KNOW? 88% of doctors said they would choose Do Not Attempt CPR (DNACPR or Do Not Attempt Resuscitation or Allow Natural Death decisions) and YET they deliver these orders to you the patient. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense now does it? Kind of terrifying too.
There was talk (obviously) of the budget and the fact that the Bereavement Grant was not reinstated for 2018's Budget plan. It was said that although this grant wasn't of massive financial significance in helping costs at end of life, it was significant because it represents the State acknowledging you had 'lost a heartbeat'. Considering by this time next year, there will be 3 million Irish people bereaved after a loss of 29, 000 lives, that is a lot of heartbeats ignored by the State.
DID YOU KNOW? 1 out of 3 of us will lose the ability to make our own decisions in the end.
If there is one thing I have been eager on encouraging my readers to do, it is to PREPLAN their funeral because that is what I am passionate about but preplanning your funeral is just ONE task on the 'to do list' of End of Life planning and while the appendices in my first book includes a fantastic (if I do say so myself!) plan to help you preplan your funeral, it does NOT include all of the other essential questions and answers you need to address to fully sort out your End of Life plan. And so, I nod to the Irish Hospice Foundation's fantastic The Think Ahead form which will guide you in recording your preferences regarding ALL aspects of end of life. It encourages you to ensure that those closest to you are aware of these preferences so that, should a time come when you are unable to express them yourself, your wishes will be clear to those caring for you or managing your affairs.
80 people die a day in Ireland, some suddenly and some slowly and some painfully and as Irish Hospice CEO Sharon Foley said "For every 1 death, someone's life changes for ever."
Bryan Nolan...we need to remember that "The person dying is the MOST bereaved person in the room".
Although Roxy was ‘just a dog’, and she died over 8 years ago, recalling her last day still feels heartbreaking for me. In fact, it was one of the worst days of my life and inspired my New York/Dublin based pet memorial business Rainbow Bridge Memorials and my upcoming Tedx Talk in Tallaght on October 12th.
She was 16, quite old for any dog, and she’d had a series of strokes. I had just returned from the holiday of a lifetime in Cuba and when I arrived home Roxy came running out, as usual, to say hiiiieeee. Sadly everything wasn’t usual though - I knew something was wrong. Four hours and another stroke later we were taking her to her death. We had her for 16 years; she was part of the family. She was my best friend through childhood, teenage years and adulthood. I felt like I was betraying her.
I am not alone. My deep emotions regarding the day Roxy was euthanized strikes a familiar chord with just about anyone who has ever lost a beloved pet to euthanasia/putting a dog to sleep.
I often ask myself did we do the right thing, could she have gotten better or was she ok with going. Her eyes never left mine as she died. And then afterwards, people just don’t know what to do with me, there’s no funeral or blueprint to follow. I felt awkward calling into work asking for some time off. I felt my friends looked at you thinking “Just get over it's only a dog” especially if they had suffered had human loss. It seemed self indulgent to even think of mourning a pet when faced with human loss so feelings get hidden and grief gets buriedit'.
Ireland is changing when it comes to pet loss as we see recognition of the grief people experience when a beloved pet dies where we never saw it before. There are helplines offering support and a listening ear, discussions about pet bereavement days at work. You can buy pet condolence cards, memorial jewellery. Pet funeral businesses are flourishing - pet cemeteries and pet crematoriums with pet specific caskets, urns and keepsake jewellery.
One study by the Funeral Co-op in the UK found that more than a quarter of respondents had found their pet’s death as difficult as the death of a family member, and a third thought it was on a level with the loss of a friend. Nearly half of the bereaved owners were still mourning after two months, and 16 percent were struggling a year later.
While it might seem self-indulgent or the ‘world gone mad with millennials’ by older generations to mourn the loss of a pet or compare it to the loss of human life, to some it can be just as heartbreaking. All loss and grief is important and essential experiences of the human psyche but grief that is dismissed by others can be more painful still.
Pets are often with us 24/7, reliant on us for food, water, exercise, and survival. They become our confidantes and in some cases have been known to prevent suicidal thoughts and help with mental illnesses. Here is a living being who will not judge, reprimand, or dismiss your thoughts, actions or feelings and yet when they pass the loss can be dismissed as ‘just a dog’.
Irish milliner Philip Treacy lost his Jack Russell, ‘Mr Pig’ in 2004; ‘I saw Mr Pig as my friend, not my dog. He was my everything; he was like my child. He was by my side, day and night, for 12 years. How many humans could you say that about?’ Treacy even went on to compose a book Dog Stories, which is an anthology of stories of well-known people (Lady Annabel Goldsmith, Sir Jackie Stewart, Lord Hattersley, Anna Pasternak, Petronella Wyatt, Edward du Cann and Tom Rubython) and their dogs. They recount the adventures of their pets, and the happiness and ultimate sadness they brought to the lives of their owners.
I used my grief to build a business helping others to grieve and started a company called Rainbow Bridge Memorials that has a base in Dublin and New York, offering condolence cards, pet conscious cards and memorial jewellery but it is more than just a business, It has become an online community. We have a Facebook page where people will often post about their pet or their grief and others chime in and offer support. We all know the sadness of pet loss and the difficulty in speaking about it to others who don’t have pets. The emails I receive from my clients about my jewellery often overwhelm me as they tell me how much it helps them in their grieving process and some of the emails were heartbreaking to read. It brought the loss of Roxy up all over again but I guess I started the business because when we lost Roxy, I still wanted her with me every day and wherever I go and with the jewellery I can do that and it helps. <3
Interestingly alot of funeral directors said that cremation is increasing every year and people are often asking for cremation jewellery. Another interesting note for us was the interest in our Pet Memorial Jewellery! We even took some orders for some pet lover Funeral Directors who had lost their beloved pet in the last year.
There was also a VERY interesting method by one company to market their coffins.....I shall let you decided Yay or Nay......
The idea of using your phone to take ‘selfies’ with an app that has features like dog-faced filters and an obsession with watermelons and cat ears seems to go against the etiquette of a typical funeral in Ireland. But these times they are changing and funeral etiquette is evolving and revolving around social media as is the case with all celebrated life events.
While customisable Snapchat Geo Filters have yet to come to Ireland, they are huge in the US where birthday, wedding and other life events are celebrated. “Happy 21st Birthday Mia xx” or “Congrats Steve and Jane” are the norm but a new trend that is closely following, and indeed enhancing, the ‘selfies at funerals’ craze is the Snapchat Geo Filter at funerals – “RIP Trae” or “See you in Heaven Tyrese” along with a cartoon depiction of Trae or Tyrese are finding their place on peoples’ Snapchat stories.
One family embraced the idea when their 37-year-old brother (to Stephenie) and son died.The Buchanons celebrated their son's life and asked friends and family to ‘snap a photo’ and swipe until they saw the words "T's World" and "We love you, Tarrence, rest in Heaven", superimposed over the taken ‘selfie’. Rather than be offended, funeral goers began taking selfies and embraced the experience.
A US company that specialises in custom Geo Filters, Buy Custom Geofilters, gets about 300 requests a month for Geo Filters and the majority of them are for birthdays and weddings. Andrew Lee, the company's founder said that over the last three months requests for Funeral Geo Filters have been on the rise. When he received his first funeral request in August 2016, he never expected that his Geo Filters would be used as tributes to the dead. "The whole, 'sad funeral' and 'everybody wearing black' isn't as common these days," he said. "People are using the funeral to celebrate the lives. Geofilters are just another step to doing that."
The millennials are a generation that grew up on social media, with a camera always in hand, it’s how they communicate and celebrate life’s milestones. Stephenie had even nicknamed her brother "the Snapchat King," before his death which is something his friends now remember fondly and the Funeral Geo Filter seemed appropriate to celebrate Tarrence’s life.
Today I was asked to speak on Newstalk FM (and Irish nationwide radio station) on the fact that recent research by Royal London had found that two out of three people underestimate the cost of funerals and almost one-third significantly underestimate the cost of funerals in Ireland, putting it at between €1,000 and €3,000.
I gave as much info as I could in a 20-minute conversation with the ever eager and fascinating Ivan but I did want to follow up with a top 5 tips on how to save money...I don't know if you want them now (and are listening to me and my PREPLAN!!! advice) or if you might need them at a later date...in which case you probably won't be googling this.... but how and ever, here they are.....
Shop around!!! This might sound tacky and the last thing you want to do when you have lost a loved one, which is why I recommend PREPLANNING, but it is entirely possible to cover a few different funeral director visits in a few hours physically, or even better phone them up. Even better again? Have someone else you trust do this research for you as you will be under immense pressure and emotional stress and the last thing you need is more stress.
Go with Natural/Woodland burial - try the greengraveyard.com guys. They do all sorts of coffins and you lose the headstone costs, the embalming costs etc so worth checking out. Plus an added bonus is it is good for the environment and oh so pretty.
Cut out the frills! No Cars to escort you (most have our own or can borrow), no flowers, no headstones, posh-all-frills coffins etc. Ask friends to help with graphic design and printing of the booklets, memorial sheets. Have friends provide the music, be a celebrant etc. All these cost cutting ways often make it more personal too. My book has more info on this!
Direct to cremation - no church, chapel, service at all. No embalming, coffin etc. When you get the remains back you can have a shindig in the house...I might go for this option myself...might put it in as a backup, depending on available funds!
PREPLAN/Prepaid funeral plans obviously have their advantages if I haven't stated them enough? It pays to think ahead. Let's leave it at that. The LEAST you should do is fill in this plan here, tell someone where it is and at least you're being helpful! ;-)
This October the Irish Hospice Foundation holds its Forum on 'End of Life’ which will reveal interesting findings of Ireland's 'Have Your Say' survey (held last year) where thousands of people across Ireland shared their personal thoughts on dying, death and bereavement. Main findings show people fear 'dying in pain' and want dignity, comfort and care at end of life. People worry most about their family and bereavement support.
“You and I get only one chance to die and 2,500 people had their say last year on what makes a good death. By sharing their thoughts they are helping us create an Irish charter on death, dying and bereavement. We believe in quality end-of-life care, supporting each person to live as well as possible to the end and enabling those left behind to grieve well. We are looking forward to revealing all survey findings on October 10th at our Forum,”
Angela Edghill, Advocacy, and Public Engagement Manager, Irish Hospice Foundation.
“Conversations around death are never easy but people are more than willing to share their views when asked. They only need to be encouraged. This is the aim of Forum 2017 ‘Your Life, Your Death, Your Say – allowing the conversation to continue about dying, death and bereavement in Ireland’.
“Our last Forum was fully booked attracting 350 people from all walks of life. This year the inspirational Justice Catherine McGuinness will speak about human rights at end of life. RTE Broadcaster David McCullagh will chair a panel discussion on pain, grief, and dignity. Panellists include Senator Marie Louise O’Donnell, Micheál Ó Muircheartaigh, and Dr. Tony Foley. Keynote speaker is Professor Jenny Kitzinger from Cardiff University who co-directs the ‘Coma and Disorders of Consciousness Research Centre’ and she will examine the challenges around how decisions are made when the patient has lost the ability to make choices for themselves,” said Ms Edghill.
Forum 2017 includes several workshops such as ‘Children Grieve Too’, ‘Supporting Staff through Loss and Bereavement’ and ‘Planning for your Future: What Should we Ask Ourselves?’
Attendees will hear people’s views on a range of issues such as challenges facing health professionals when discussing pain, treatment decisions, death, grief, dignity and caring for people at end of life.
The event takes place in Dublin Castle on Tuesday 10th October from 9am – 4pm and all are welcome. Early registration is advised. Tickets are €60 including lunch and refreshments with €30 Concession tickets (limited availability for students, non-working, and senior citizens). Online registration is at hospicefoundation.ie or call 01 679 3188.
The word eulogy comes from two Greek words, eu meaning ‘good’ and logos meaning ‘word’ or ‘thought’. A eulogy is a speech in praise of or tribute to a dead person.
It can be very difficult to deliver a eulogy when you are grieving. Public speaking or writing a speech can be daunting under the best of circumstances but, when someone you love or care deeply about has died, being asked to “say a few words” at the funeral service can feel like a thousand-ton weight on your shoulders.
According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Now this means to the average person that, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. (Jerry Seinfeld)
A eulogy should be a healing experience, for you and for the deceased’s family and friends.
Here are a few tips to help you:
• Write the eulogy in a form that will help you to deliver it. This can be key words on paper or a computer tablet, bullet points, a slide show or a full speech written out;
• Use your memories and ask the deceased’s family and friends for their stories;
• Sometimes, the most poignant eulogies can be read like a letter to the deceased;
• Your eulogy can include absolutely any type of words you like: humorous, sad, poetic, thought provoking, inspiring, dramatic, anything;
• It may help to think about the big achievements in the deceased’s life, the hurdles they overcame, the milestones they reached;
• Don’t be afraid to use poetry or quotations if they mean something to you, friends or family; it doesn’t matter whether it’s the words to a pop song or a Shakespearean quote;
• You’re not on your own; others are grieving too. If you have to stop in the middle to compose yourself, don’t panic;
• Consider ending with a farewell to the deceased using
a piece of music or a video or a reading.
Few of us are saintly, but the eulogy should concentrate on what was positive in the deceased person’s life; if you must mention the negative, try to do so in humour.
Follow this advice and you will not go far wrong:
• Start with what you know: What you know is your relationship with the deceased, so start with your
memories, take out old photo albums or get online and go through some photos of you both to jog your memories. Remember the good times as well as the bad;
• Make a list about the person: Include details such as dates – birth, marriage, children, work dates, etc; names – spouse/partner, children, grandchildren; locations – childhood, teen years, trips abroad, etc; work life; hobbies; achievements;
• Seek out what you don’t know: Talk to the deceased’s family, friends, members of groups they belonged to about what they remember of the deceased;
• Humour: In the midst of mourning, your audience will appreciate some light-hearted, tasteful humour; referring to an anecdote, funny quote or accidental mishap is generally appreciated. But be careful – you’re not auditioning for stand-up comedy!
• Create your flow: Every speech or piece of writing should have a beginning, middle and an end – your eulogy should too. Interpret that chronologically or based on lifetime milestones – whatever seems appropriate;
• Time: Depending on the circumstances (religious ceremony or not), a eulogy should be no longer than 10 minutes and probably no shorter than two or three minutes. Speak slowly and calmly. Give yourself time and allow the audience to take in your words;
• Practice makes perfect: Practise your eulogy with close family or friends because they may wish to change some of what you say or add to it.
NOTE: If you’re delivering a eulogy for someone who has taken their own life, focus on understanding and empathising with the family’s grief and refrain from rationalisation and explanation. Arrange for loved ones to share good memories about his / her life. Humorous stories can be appropriate as they will lift the mood, if even momentarily, but be cautious. If possible, have anyone wishing to speak about the deceased write out their comments, as this will prevent any inappropriateness, however unintended, that may cause additional hurt or pain to the family.
Developments in technology have introduced new methods of
disposing of bodies, including ecolation (combination of heat, cold and thermal pressures), resomation (where bodies are dissolved into an
alkaline hydrolysis liquid) and promession (a process that freeze-dries bodies
in nitrogen). Currently, the most common ways to dispose of a body in
Ireland are burial and cremation (earth versus fire).
The funeral service for a burial or cremation is not vastly different.
Following a service in a local church or other venue, one takes the body and
the mourners to a burial ground, the other takes them to a crematorium. A
further short service of last prayers, words or music can be held in either of
these places.
Burial
Burial grounds (also known as cemeteries or graveyards) in Ireland
typically are the responsibility of local authorities, although there are a
number of privately-owned cemeteries as well.
Each of the burial grounds usually has a registrar or caretaker,
who manages maintenance and the sale of plots in that site. Some graveyards
forbid the purchase of a plot until a death has occurred and there is a ‘need’
for the plot. The reason for this is that they are running out of space!
You can re-open a grave to bury a member of the same family,
but a space of at least one foot (30cm) above the previous burial must be left
so the deeper the first body is buried, the better. It is possible to bury
three or four people in
each grave plot.
The cost of buying a burial plot varies hugely. In rural Ireland,
a burial plot could cost as little as €200 while in Dublin it could cost
as much as €3,500. This cost does not include grave opening fees, which
can add another €1,000 to the bill in some cemeteries. Burying someone and
erecting a headstone or grave marker can provide a family with peace because
they have somewhere physical to visit where they can feel close to the deceased.
This is one of the reasons a lot of people opt for burial instead of cremation.
Cremation
Cremation is becoming more popular in Ireland and is
predicted to become even more so. It is often seen as a cheaper option, because
a family does not have to pay for a plot of land on which to bury a body nor do
they have to pay to have the grave opened. And cremation costs currently average
about €600.
There are currently 6 crematoria in the Island of Ireland, three of
which are located in Dublin, one in Cavan, one in Belfast and the other in Cork. However, anyone anywhere in Ireland can arrange for a cremation
to take place in any of these crematoria. (more info here)
Note that a time slot of 30 minutes is given when booking a
crematorium, so if you require a longer time – perhaps to hold a funeral service
at the crematorium, ask for a double slot.
Remember to alert the funeral director of any pacemakers, breast
implants, artificial plates or joints that the deceased may have. Most metals
pass through the process without any difficulty but it is always better to
communicate all the available information you have. At the end of the service
in the crematorium, the coffin holding the body is moved into the committal
room. Despite rumours, only one coffin is cremated at a time – although, if for
example a mother and baby, or wife and husband, died together, they can be
cremated together also.
